Just some disorganized thoughts from a grieving daughter -
The fog of my mother's death has been almost too much to bare. I am not the first to lose their mother by any means but she is/was the most influential and key person in my life. I tried to really take this last year as her body was being invaded by pancreatic cancer to chat daily, share everything and be as normal as I could. It really didn't work entirely. I wish I had recorded her normal voice just talking to me. I have played and played her voice mails so I can hear her voice but I wish I had recorded a normal conversation versus the voicemails she left me.
So I have not had a single dream with her in it... until the other night. It was crazy as my childhood friends Liana and Cissy where in my dream and we are acting normal. My mom and Cissy where sitting on the floor waving at me smiling. To see her with her normal hair - not chemo hair - and just smiling was very comforting to me.
I wanted God to confirm to me that He has her. I asked for some sign that would confirm his receipt of her and I feel at peace now that I saw her in my dream that she is with Him.
I am for sure all over the place in my head and my memory is shot. But I want to move on now... for the first 62 days, I could not say the same thing. My foundation was shaken to the core and getting up didn't seem like a possibility. It is a feeling that I may not survive this loss. I was told to lean on the Lord and let me tell you during this I thought How? How do I do that as he is not physical so I can really lean on him. So I asked Him to please tell me what do you want to tell me today and he lead me to 1 Corinthians 10:13. It clicked and peace washed over me. It's time to trust that my mother raised an incredible lady and that the Lord has me. It's time.
The fog of my mother's death has been almost too much to bare. I am not the first to lose their mother by any means but she is/was the most influential and key person in my life. I tried to really take this last year as her body was being invaded by pancreatic cancer to chat daily, share everything and be as normal as I could. It really didn't work entirely. I wish I had recorded her normal voice just talking to me. I have played and played her voice mails so I can hear her voice but I wish I had recorded a normal conversation versus the voicemails she left me.
So I have not had a single dream with her in it... until the other night. It was crazy as my childhood friends Liana and Cissy where in my dream and we are acting normal. My mom and Cissy where sitting on the floor waving at me smiling. To see her with her normal hair - not chemo hair - and just smiling was very comforting to me.
I wanted God to confirm to me that He has her. I asked for some sign that would confirm his receipt of her and I feel at peace now that I saw her in my dream that she is with Him.
I am for sure all over the place in my head and my memory is shot. But I want to move on now... for the first 62 days, I could not say the same thing. My foundation was shaken to the core and getting up didn't seem like a possibility. It is a feeling that I may not survive this loss. I was told to lean on the Lord and let me tell you during this I thought How? How do I do that as he is not physical so I can really lean on him. So I asked Him to please tell me what do you want to tell me today and he lead me to 1 Corinthians 10:13. It clicked and peace washed over me. It's time to trust that my mother raised an incredible lady and that the Lord has me. It's time.
