Jan 15

Jan 15 Menopause Made Me Do It

Do you ever feel like your reaction to your life is neutral? That you can’t figure out if you feel strongly for one thing or another? I am a process thinker which means I am not fast to any emotion. I think over situations, events and thoughts for a good while. So when my thought process completes, the generated emotion often feels a little ‘late to the party’. Handling my Mom’s death over the past four years has been quite a massive thinking process, probably my biggest as my Mom is My Person. I’m finally at my lest step process regarding her…or so I think. It has been a long few years of emotions, thoughts and changes. My internal dialogue has been busy but dealing with the outside world regarding this huge event, has not been.

Our perspective in any storm is perspective. It’s our reality.

Weathering an inevitable storm or welcoming the storm of Mom’s death were my two choices. At the point in my life when it actually happened, I didn’t welcome the storm. Within a month of my mother’s death, lots of ‘life’ came rolling at me- a suicide scare, lump in my breast, loss of a trusted girlfriend, IRS tax audit and a crash course in menopause. For the broad strokes, all the elements ironed themselves out for the best except one piece I gave little attention to- the menopause piece. I never realized the magnitude of my symptoms beyond the ones I had been told to expect… I expected hot flashes and no period, nothing more, nothing less.

Honestly, that’s all I thought would come.

When menopause came on - it came on swinging, fully and in a very short and unfair amount of time. What took me off guard was the other symptoms and ‘mind mess’ that came along with this new phase of life.

Here’s my list of menopause systems: hot flashes, sleeping issues, difficulty concentrating, memory lapses, dizziness, weight gain, incontinence, anxiety, irritability, panic disorder, and mood swings. These are menopause symptoms. I attributed these symptoms as a part of mourning my mother. Nope- menopause had me in its grip.

I am in a menopause storm.

I have unknowingly fought this menopause storm since day one believing I was grieving. My grieving may have exacerbated my menopause symptoms.

When my twin daughters left for college, my world turned upside down and I questioned everything that was not already being questioned. Like:

my marriage…

my mothering…

my existence…

my purpose…

my future…

my…me...

And so, this is where I sit. I have gained twelve pounds in the last few months- my body has been working hard at creating a muffin top that can no longer be smashed into my clothing.

I am at maximum stuffage - is that even a word?

I tried hormone replacement drugs for two days until a chat with my Aunt closed that idea down.

I’m tired of hearing my inner chatter say, “ if you don’t like your ‘current’ - do something different.” I’m done with not doing something…my new adventure will be pushing away fear and my goal date for something new will be on my 50th birthday in April. And what is fear-based for me, may not be for you, but this will be my growing out of fear and growing into myself as Menopause Made Me Do It. What will Menopause Make Me Do??

I’m choosing to weather the storm.

What is fear creating for you?